On 11:55 17/Feb/09, Carl Pump wrote: > Dear Parmaynu, or should I say Parmaynu OBE-elect! > > Allow me to introduce myself, I am Carl Pump, an art lover not a fighter > (arf!) > > I was effervescent with joy at the discovery of your wonderful organisation. > > You could be the answer to my prayers and I hope with all my might that you > can assist me. > > Like most people who enjoy the optical stimulation of a well-crafted paint > spread, I have a favourite painting, "Inside Sue*" [Oil on panel], *by > acclaimed American > artist and editor of Juxtapox magazine, Mark Ryden. Are you familiar with > his works: "The Meat Show"; "Anima Mundi", "Meat"; and "Wondertoonel"? His > quotes thus: "JUST LIKE T-REX, I MYSELF AM A PASSIONATE MEAT-EATER" > and "SUBTLE PINKS GENTLY SWIRL AROUND WITH RICH VERMILLIONS AND FATTY, > YELLOW OCHRES", sum him up! I await his latest exhibition agog and hope it > includes works-in-progress (W-I-PS), "*Rectangle on haddock" *and *"the > unforgiveable insinuation of Jonathan Trousers". *Anyway, I digress. > > The problem is that *"*Inside Sue*", *or "Captain Irk" as I call her (I am > also a massive fan of Star Trek and have figurines of all the characters > apart from Scotty, whom I mistrust) appears to me to have slipped into a > deep depression. She has developed a tendency to loll inconsolably in her > frame and spends many afternoons appearing slightly darker than I remember, > with saddened creases in her canvas. I have set out two "emoticons" below > which show his change in mood: > Before: +=3D=3D=3D > After: 7; > > As you will appreciate, I am at my *wit's end*. I do not know the precise > reason for her melancholy, I can only assume it is a result of the end of > some tryst she was involved with, possibly with the Ivorian candlestick tha= > t > lives on the French dresser whom I have always considered too openly wanton > for her station. I call her a harlot in the strongest sense of irked irony > but await the W-I-PS! What ho! > > So I turn to you, Parmaynu, the bat (ping-pong (bat) (colloquial)/table > tennis (bat)). I need to book Captain Irk in for some therapy and was > wondering how I go about that? Can it be done *in situ* or must I transport > her, frame and all, to your offices (therapy power stations)? > > I am very healthy (apart from asthma (don't worry I have a whizzer)) and > could easily afford fees of up to =A330 per hour for your services (minus > travel expenses). If you could pass me details of procedure I will endeavou= > r > to put the wheels in motion. > > I look forward to hearing from you with eager anticipation, like a humming > bird. > > Yours sincerely, > > Carl Pump

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